To my surprise my Dr. diagnosed me with PTSD and panic attacks and suggested I take a month off. April 26th 2024 was my last day of work. I didn’t know it at the time, but I would never go back. I thought I’d just take some time off to get my head right. During that month I filed paperwork and looked after myself. I had made sure to get the Dr.’s report to the employer. After looking online for the process, as I’d never done this before, nothing could be found on what to do and what to expect. Only a long list of forms to fill out for every reason imaginable. So I did what I thought was correct.
6 weeks from my last day of work I still hadn’t received a payment. I called the benefits office only to have them tell me I hadn’t filled out my portion of the paperwork. They said they sent a letter telling me that if this wasn’t done by a certain date my claim would be shelved. A letter. Not a phone call or email. The letter arrived the same day I called them. I cried. I didn’t have the energy to do more. It took me 3 hours to fill out my version of why I needed time off. The next appointment with my Dr. determined I needed 3 to 6 more months off.
2 weeks later the benefits officer called and asked me some questions. What do you do all day, how do you spend your time? I answered truthfully. I guess because I wasn’t sitting here in zombie mode my claim was denied
She said I should go through WCB based on their contract with my employer. My only thought was there must be a bonus involved or a competition that she wanted to win. The lack of compassion was palpable.
When the call finished I burst into uncontrollable sobs. It took so much energy, energy I didn’t have, to do all the paperwork, and now I had to start over with WCB.
I felt so abused by my manager and the company and the way I had to jump through hoops to receive benefits. I quit on the spot by text. I had nothing left to give.
How did I get here? Feeling broken and completely unable to function in life, I wondered if I’d ever be o.k. again. For years I felt the slow slide down the long hill to nervous system overload and complete brain fog but wasn’t able to find a way to stop or reverse it. I could see the inevitable, what used to be called a nervous breakdown. The accumulation of a lifetime of mental and emotional abuse starting in childhood, continuing through to my first marriage, and then the most recent boss. I may have had a chance if I’d had a normal happy childhood. Maybe if I’d had strong self-esteem I wouldn’t have ended up in the next two situations, even though they were decades apart, a strong foundation may have saved me. Instead, it was death by a thousand cuts.
Years ago my Aunt had a nervous breakdown. I could see it was because she was trying to cope in a relationship where everything was about him, nothing was about her. From my perspective it seemed she had completely lost herself. Her mother convinced her to stay in the marriage much to her mother’s regret later on. My Aunt was never the same. Seemingly more fragile, less glowing and free.
It was during that experience I knew I was headed down the same path and didn’t know how to stop it. Counseling was far from effective as they only focused on what’s going on right now and how to cope with that. When traumas begin in childhood, how can you name it? What exactly is normal and what is trauma? 30 years ago PTSD was reserved for the military or police mostly. Panic attacks had one definition, not a range. Narcissism was one short paragraph in the DSM.
Now so much more is known about trauma, abuse, and narcissism. The definitions are far more encompassing with layer upon layer exposed.
It wasn’t until I had worked with my boss for 10 years when a newer delightful employee asked why I had such a hard time with the boss. I told her the boss treats me exactly like my mother did and I couldn’t figure out how to address it in a way to survive positively. My co-worker stated bluntly the boss is a narcissist. This one statement blew my mind wide open. I had no idea the definition of narcissism had vastly expanded. After some research all the dots connected, finally.
My mother was a narcissist. In order to escape her I left home and married a man that would later show up as another type of narcissist. And then the most recent relationship with the boss. Over time I had tried everything I knew and learned how to deal with these difficult people. The only way I could deal with my mother was minimal contact. I’d go 6 weeks to two months not seeing her or talking with her much. And the only way to deal with the narcissist husband was to divorce him and have no contact. There was no effective way for me to deal with the boss. We worked in a small department in close quarters and she was a control freak. Micro managed like it was heroin.
Initially when I left work I gave counseling a try. The young person showed complete lack of care or compassion. She seemed bored or distracted. When she blurted “All you have to do is have boundaries.” I felt rage. My response was there is no such thing when you work in close quarters like we did. Nothing worked. Except leaving.
I had applied for several other jobs to get out. No one called back. I didn’t really want to start over again either. I felt stuck. It’s like you can see the train coming and your feet are stuck on the tracks. No matter how hard you try, you can’t move. Until the train is upon you, and you’re done in. I think I was also afraid of ending up in the same or similar situation, because deep down I knew the company itself was narcissistic leading to the question of how many other companies operate the same. Probably too many.
The Dr. said it could take 6 months to a year to feel better, and, I may never feel better. I think I will feel better, just never the same. The experiences have changed me permanently. I’m growing towards the person I’ve always wanted to and knew I could be. It just took quitting to begin the journey.
Infinite Kosmic Energy 
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